Dear you,
If you’ve ever wondered why you can’t seem to relax, even when everything is technically fine, I want you to know something.
Your body isn’t working against you.
Maybe you’re constantly tense. Your shoulders sit somewhere near your ears. You jump at unexpected noises. Your mind races through everything that could go wrong, even when you’re trying to sleep.
Or perhaps you experience the opposite.
You shut down. You feel exhausted. Small tasks feel enormous. You struggle to concentrate or find the words to explain what you’re feeling. Sometimes, you might feel completely disconnected from yourself and the people around you.
And the frustrating part?
You know you’re safe.
You can look around the room and see there is no immediate threat. You can tell yourself that everything is OK. You can reason with yourself over and over again.
But your body doesn’t seem to believe you.
There is a reason for that.
Your nervous system has learned how to protect you.
How does trauma affect the nervous system?
Your nervous system is constantly taking in information from the world around you and deciding how your body needs to respond.
When it senses danger, it can activate automatic survival responses commonly described as fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
You might feel an urge to confront the threat, escape it, become very still or focus on keeping other people happy and preventing conflict.
These responses are not conscious decisions. They are your body trying to keep you safe.
When you have experienced trauma, particularly repeated or prolonged trauma, your nervous system can become highly sensitive to potential danger. Experiences, sensations or situations that remind your brain and body of something that happened before can trigger a response in the present.
That might mean your heart suddenly races.
Your stomach drops.
Your muscles tense.
You feel restless, irritable or panicked.
Or you become incredibly tired, numb or detached.
This is why trauma responses can feel so intensely physical. Trauma isn’t simply something you remember. Your body can respond to perceived danger before your thinking brain has had the chance to say, “Hang on. We’re safe now.”
Why is my nervous system always on high alert?
Sometimes, the nervous system becomes used to living in a state of hyperarousal.
It is watching. Listening. Anticipating.
It may be difficult to switch off because, at some point, staying alert was useful. Perhaps being aware of somebody’s mood helped you anticipate what would happen next. Perhaps you had to be ready to react quickly. Perhaps relaxing didn’t always feel safe.
Your nervous system learned from those experiences.
For other people, the response can look more like shutdown. When fighting or escaping doesn’t feel possible, the nervous system may move towards a freeze response. You might feel numb, disconnected, foggy or overwhelmingly tired.
You can even move between the two.
Wired one minute. Exhausted the next.
Overwhelmed by everything, then suddenly unable to feel very much at all.
These responses can be confusing, particularly when you don’t understand where they’re coming from.
But rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, we can begin to ask a different question:
“What has my nervous system learned it needs to protect me from?”
That question gives us somewhere much kinder to begin.
Nervous system regulation isn’t about forcing yourself to calm down
There is a lot of conversation online about nervous system regulation.
You may have seen breathing exercises, grounding techniques, cold showers, meditation, yoga or countless other suggestions promising to “reset” your nervous system.
Some of these things can be genuinely helpful.
But I want you to know that if you’ve tried to breathe deeply or meditate and still felt anxious, overwhelmed or shut down, you haven’t failed.
Regulation isn’t about demanding that your body calm down.
If your nervous system believes there is danger nearby, simply telling it to relax may not be enough.
Instead, regulation is about gradually building a greater sense of safety and helping your nervous system develop more flexibility in the way it responds.
Sometimes that might involve grounding yourself in the present by noticing what you can see, hear or physically feel.
Sometimes it might mean movement rather than stillness.
Sometimes it is noticing your body’s signals earlier and understanding what they might be communicating.
And sometimes regulation happens through connection — experiencing safe, consistent relationships where you don’t have to remain constantly alert.
There isn’t one perfect technique.
Can therapy help regulate the nervous system?
Yes, trauma therapy can help you understand your nervous system and begin changing the patterns that developed in response to previous experiences.
That doesn’t mean a therapist simply teaches you how to “calm down”.
We might explore what happens in your body when you feel threatened, overwhelmed or disconnected. We can begin identifying triggers and noticing the early signs that your nervous system is moving into a survival response.
Depending on what feels appropriate for you, therapy might also involve approaches such as EMDR, CBT or other trauma-informed therapies to help you process experiences and develop different ways of responding.
And importantly, we do this gradually.
You don’t have to force yourself to revisit everything at once.
You don’t have to push through when your body is telling you it has had enough.
You don’t have to become perfectly calm.
The aim is to help your nervous system learn something new:
That the danger it remembers isn’t necessarily the danger you’re experiencing today.
Over time, those alarm bells may not need to ring quite so loudly.
You may begin to notice that you can feel anxious without becoming completely overwhelmed. That you can rest without feeling guilty or unsafe. That you can recognise a trigger and understand what’s happening rather than immediately feeling consumed by it.
Your nervous system may have spent a long time trying to protect you.
Therapy isn’t about fighting against it.
It’s about helping your mind and body discover that they don’t always have to work quite so hard to keep you safe.
Warmly,
Misha x
Your Trauma Therapist
If you recognise yourself in this letter and would like support understanding your own trauma responses, Mynded Therapy offers trauma-informed therapy in a safe, compassionate space. Book a connection call to find out more about how we can support you. Or simply follow me on social media if this feels safer for you.
